The Pain of Knowing

The pain of knowing hurts more than NOT knowing. Some claim that 'they' left you during the firefight – some detail I’d rather not know… But their lips are much faster than my instinct to put on my earphones… Turning my back to the one speaking didn’t help either. Words have been spoken thus words have been heard. And those were words not easily forgotten. How much do they really know? – that I am not sure of. But Truth, nowadays, is not defined by the accuracy of what is being relayed but by the acceptance of the receiver that what is being conveyed is factual. And now if you ask me, what do I believe? – I wish I can say that – “Nah, they stood by you til the very last second”. But reality negates that account, cause hours later – you’re lying on the ground – still. And if they really stood by you, you might have a fighting chance… But No – you came home with a broken promise that which cannot be taken as a simple reign check but a completely voided assurance. Now I ask myself - do I bid you goodbye now that your journey in this lifetime had come to a halt? – Is this really the closure I am looking for? Or am I just looking for excuses to let go of you so I may also let go not only of the grief but more so of the wrath I am keeping towards that broken promise? – I am selfish, I know.

A Churh... A Prayer... And 3 Candles..

A Church, an offered prayer and lighted candles - I hope these reach you... Remember us back if you get the chance...

Songs

Stop Crying Your Heart Out - Oasis

"Cause all of the stars are fading away...
Just try not to worry, you'll see Him some day...
Take what you need and be on your way...
Stop crying your heart out..."

Far Away - Nickleback

"...I miss you...
Been far away for far too long...
I keep dreaming you'll be with me...
And you'll never go...
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore..."

I'll be missing you - Puff Daddy

"On that morning,
When this life is over...
I know, I'll see your face..."

Postcard from Heaven - Lighthouse Family

"If you ever say goodbye...
No regrets... I won't ask why..
And I wish you all the best luck in the world..."

Tonight - FM Static

"And everynight I miss you...
I can just look up...
And know the stars are holding you... tonight..."

When Waiting Starts to Get Painful (11.25.09)

... When the wait starts to get painful - that everytime you stare at a distance - you only see blank spaces stretching the entire horizon. When everytime you start to hope again, you end up facing a dead end. That wall infront of you starts to get bigger and bigger to the point that it consumes you.

...When the wait starts to get painful - that everytime you remember - you only end up shedding tears that you keep from the crowd staring. That everytime you try to forget - well... YOU CAN'T.

...When the wait starts to get painful - that you confuse pain to anger and that you can no longer differentiate one from the other.

...When the wait starts to get painful - that you only resort to failed attempts to recreate old memories.

And so I wait still --- to this date --- that with some Divine Intervention - I'd wake up from this dream and by the 24th of December, you'd come home like nothing happened.

11.23.09

10:35pm: Figure to check Kuya's Wall - found a message (image above)...

Christmas na kuya - I just bought you a gift this afternoon. Nadaan kasi ako sa Toys 'r Us. Remember ung Red na RC na binili mo a couple of years back? kaso nasira na ung gulong nun eh - I think ako ung nakasira --- anyways, I bought a replacement... I won't wrap it anymore ok?

11.12.09

And so today I learned how to count to three…

Memory1:

Still remember 3 months and 7 days ago – you told me we’d go to Bicol for the holidays? Yes you did… But probably you won’t remember. By the way – I’m Christina Barela, it’s already 23 years when you first saw me… I bet you didn’t like me back then. You hated me until I was in Grade School (I hated you back – you and Kuya Tano both). Remember, you, both, used to challenge me to a game of Chess with a wager that if I lose, you get one of my stuff. You’re in college – How could you challenge a grade schooler? Now that’s a fair game!

Memory2:

And then you went to PMA - that was 1999. No Kuyas for a year. The next thing I remember, you’re standing right next to your bunk. Actually I was not sure if you’re the guy I was staring at initially. There were four guys standing in that room. You all look the same. You told me to get “POPO” (I think that’s his name) in your dresser. And I stepped out of the room. I couldn’t bear looking at you - not with that face. You were worn out.

Memory3:

Remember a couple of years back. We were driving along NLEX. I pointed to a billboard of Simon Atkins. Told you he’s one of the Green Archers. You asked me what are the perks of being an athlete at school. I told you a lot! I bet you missed playing Soccer - Don’t you? I bet you were thinking of a different life. You could have been a spoiled athlete at school kuya rather than a beat up combatant in the field. But you’ve always been a fighter. Never started a thing you couldn’t finish. That’s why I look up to you – before only figuratively, but now.... (sigh)

By the way, I couldn’t sleep up until 5am this morning. I dozed off for a couple of minutes, I think. And when I opened my eyes, there was this sheet fading at my bedroom’s ceiling… Then I dozed back to sleep… Around that time, right? Yeah... around that time…

And so today – the 12th of November, I learned how to count to three…

11.11.09

A journal and a pen beside my bed – they have a purpose. A thought or two every now and then would wound up in one of those pages. Sometimes, they would make sense, Most of the time they are just scribbles to fill up blank spaces… Lately, they are letters for you… Words I never got to say… Mostly requests and apologies…

Last night, I dreamt of you. I think we are supposed to go to Divisoria but ended up in a “Shopping Mall on wheels” – weird huh? I was happy to see you again --- And then I woke up… I tried to recall the dream – but all I got is the “Shopping Mall on wheels”…

Back to reality – pain hit me really hard. It’s like hitting me on the head reminding me that --- yeah – You’re gone - You are. They keep telling me you’re in a better place. But you’re probably a different person now. No memories of the past. No nothing.

And so back to my theory – “Pain - It never really fades away... You just get used to it...It does not make you stronger... It only makes you insensitive...”

It’s almost Christmas Kuya… Remember every 24th – bibigyan lang tayo ng list ni tatay ng mga bibilhin – then we’re off to SM to buy items in the list? You would have that sling bag of yours where you keep your 45 just to prove a point that mall securities would not know whether you’re carrying a firearm or not… What will happen to Christmas Kuya?

Theory on Pain

It never really fades away... You just get used to it...
It does not make you stronger... It only makes you insensitive...
Face the truth - Pain accumulates. Period.

09.30.09

Dear God,

Yes it’s me again – Talking. A couple of days back, you told me that I’ve been talking to you much but should start learning how to listen. I’ve been thinking --- You know what Lord – I hear you, I think. You’ve been talking to me ever since. And I’ve been hearing you God. My problem, which I know you know already, is accepting what you have been telling me. Lord, I was told that you created me. Such case, You know how stubborn I could be. Lord God, what you have been asking of me might take a while if not forever. I am sorry but I won’t let go of him, at least not yet. I know he is yours and have no right to demand. I know that the love I could give him could never compare to what you could give. I know that if you would give him a choice he would choose You. But I choose to hold on – and that’s what free will is all about right? ---It hurts Lord God to hold on but I think letting go of him is much harder. Just like when we had his 40 days. I am scared of hurting. I’m not like him. I’m sorry.

--- his sibling. – (I know, - ‘Your son’)

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me by David M. Romano

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an Angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
and all I've promised you".
Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day,
there's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

--- The 41st Day

September 21, 2009, a day before my Tatay's birthday. I woke up around 8am. Family's having breakfast, Tano's preparing for work - everything seemed usual. I had chicken - a leftover from yesterday's feast. - NO. We did not advance tatay's birthday celebration.

I carpool with Tano and my Auntie. And had them drop me off at San Fernando Bus Terminal. - Still usual. I took the 10am bus trip bound to Pasay and around 11:30 am, I was already in Ortigas - very usual on a Monday morning.

Then I found myself in EDSA Shrine. It's not very unusual but the odd thing is - I found myself sitting on one of the bleachers for about five minutes - Just sitting. --- Not praying. I noticed I'm sitting right next to a nun and then I remembered why people go there. So I knelt down and I remembered the very first words I said "Lord, I'm having doubts." I did not ask for forgiveness nor guidance like usual.

What if there's no Heaven? And my kuya is wandering some place else - Alone. What if the idea of Heaven that I grew up knowing - A huge pearly white gate, St. Peter waiting with a "log book" on his right hand and a rooster on his left - is all but a bed time story? What if there's no eternal hapiness? and that at the end of this life is nothing but a dead end?

I'm scared of the things which are flooding my thoughts. I'm scared of the idea that the happiness, peace and rest that my kuya deserves are all but myths. I'm scared of not being able to recognize my kuya after this lifetime. I'm scared that I'll be just another face in the crowd for him and vice versa. I'm scared that we won't be able to tell stories bout the lives we had here on earth. I'm scared that we lose all memories the moment we take our final breathe.

I stood up from the kneeler and took-off - trying to conceal my tears as I headed towards the church's door.

They say that praying is one's way of communicating to God. But I am not sure if what I had with God today can be considered a prayer.

A Letter to Kuya

Kuya,

In time, we'll play poker again. But for the meantime, enjoy the table with our Creator. I'm sure you'll have better conversations with Him - You'll have 29 years to look back at and and an eternity to look forward to. And yes, No more poker face kuya cause He knows you too well.

Kuya, to say that we are grieving is an understatement. But sooner or later, we will learn to accept. It is a borrowed life kuya, I know. We borrowed you from Him and now He wants to have you back.. Go kuya... A well-deserve rest for you, ranger. We would just have to cope until the day that the five of us would meet again..

A salute to you, Kuya. We love you....

PS: You better be waiting for me infront of that huge pearly white gate when my time comes...oh, by the way, that's not andoks that st peter is holding.. and no you can't take it to a sabong either... love you again kuya...

He was Once a Soldier

                    I met a man traveling but with more than just the intention of seeing the world - He has bigger plans. He oftentimes wears boots, at times walks barefoot. But he walks with certainty – He has visions. He does not care whether he sleeps on a damp ground or a hammock tied between trees – All he cares is that at night we sleep peacefully. He knows his rights; He fights for it – but not just his - mine and yours too. His possessions are scarce, but he does not complain. At least he has some; he knows others have none – His goal: is for everybody to have a piece. He is content but he hopes for better heights not just for himself but for his nation too.

You may probably have met him.

He was probably the guy sitting right next to you on your Christian Living class decades back – wonder if you were nice to him. I hope you were.

Did you help him make that ‘Atsara’ he brought home one day from school?

He’s probably the guy climbing the window of your retreat house. His tatay had to accompany him because he was late for the bus that day.

Were you the one who caught him playing with paper plane during class or were you the one who sent him back to class when you saw him cut class to play on the campus’ soccer field? - Thank you for molding him.

He’s probably the guy playing defense during one of your soccer games in Palarong Pambansa. Was he on your team? Or was he the one giving you a hard time making those goals?

I wonder if you went “Touring” with him during your cadet years. He used to “take life” – were you the one consenting or the one squealing. Either way, you’re lucky you’ve met him.

He’s probably the guy next in line to you about to order his tall mocha latte or his choco frappe – “yung malamig na may ice” as he once told the barista....

Have you seen him online in Facebook? Plowing his land or going all-in with a 4-7 off-suite hand.

I met a man who used to travel but with more than just the intention of seeing the world - He had bigger plans. He oftentimes wore boots, at times walked barefoot. But he walked with certainty – He had visions. He did not care whether he slept on a damp ground or a hammock tied between trees – All he cared was that at night we sleep peacefully. He knew his rights; He fought for it – but not just his - mine and yours too. His possessions were scarce, but he did not complain. At least he had some; he knew others have none – His goal: was for everybody to have a piece. He was content but he hoped for better heights not just for himself but for his nation too.

• He’s not a traveler though he’s holding a compass and a map.

• He once wanted a pricey pair of rubber shoes instead of muddy boots; He got hold of one – used it only for a month.

• He finally let go of his hammock – he said he won’t be using it anymore.

• He knew his rights – but oftentimes trapped under the chain of command.

• His possessions were scarce – rusty – obsolete. But he kept fighting.

He is not a traveler. He is a soldier. Or at least he used to be…

His Story

Setting:
The night crawled in and silence is all that can be heard. The boots were left unpolished. But the ammos were loaded. Some prayers were recited and some phone calls were made.

Inciting Incident:
And so he braved the darkness – he’s leading the pack. His steps were measured and the footsteps barely heard.

Complication:
He entered the enemies’ lair first, followed by his troop.

Climax:
Compromised… Gunshots…

Anti-climax:
And at that final shot, he knew.

Conclusion:
So he silently bid his goodbyes and a final prayer….

                                                   (Photo by Marco Dimaano)