September 21, 2009, a day before my Tatay's birthday. I woke up around 8am. Family's having breakfast, Tano's preparing for work - everything seemed usual. I had chicken - a leftover from yesterday's feast. - NO. We did not advance tatay's birthday celebration.
I carpool with Tano and my Auntie. And had them drop me off at San Fernando Bus Terminal. - Still usual. I took the 10am bus trip bound to Pasay and around 11:30 am, I was already in Ortigas - very usual on a Monday morning.
Then I found myself in EDSA Shrine. It's not very unusual but the odd thing is - I found myself sitting on one of the bleachers for about five minutes - Just sitting. --- Not praying. I noticed I'm sitting right next to a nun and then I remembered why people go there. So I knelt down and I remembered the very first words I said "Lord, I'm having doubts." I did not ask for forgiveness nor guidance like usual.
What if there's no Heaven? And my kuya is wandering some place else - Alone. What if the idea of Heaven that I grew up knowing - A huge pearly white gate, St. Peter waiting with a "log book" on his right hand and a rooster on his left - is all but a bed time story? What if there's no eternal hapiness? and that at the end of this life is nothing but a dead end?
I'm scared of the things which are flooding my thoughts. I'm scared of the idea that the happiness, peace and rest that my kuya deserves are all but myths. I'm scared of not being able to recognize my kuya after this lifetime. I'm scared that I'll be just another face in the crowd for him and vice versa. I'm scared that we won't be able to tell stories bout the lives we had here on earth. I'm scared that we lose all memories the moment we take our final breathe.
I stood up from the kneeler and took-off - trying to conceal my tears as I headed towards the church's door.
They say that praying is one's way of communicating to God. But I am not sure if what I had with God today can be considered a prayer.
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