A Churh... A Prayer... And 3 Candles..

A Church, an offered prayer and lighted candles - I hope these reach you... Remember us back if you get the chance...

Songs

Stop Crying Your Heart Out - Oasis

"Cause all of the stars are fading away...
Just try not to worry, you'll see Him some day...
Take what you need and be on your way...
Stop crying your heart out..."

Far Away - Nickleback

"...I miss you...
Been far away for far too long...
I keep dreaming you'll be with me...
And you'll never go...
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore..."

I'll be missing you - Puff Daddy

"On that morning,
When this life is over...
I know, I'll see your face..."

Postcard from Heaven - Lighthouse Family

"If you ever say goodbye...
No regrets... I won't ask why..
And I wish you all the best luck in the world..."

Tonight - FM Static

"And everynight I miss you...
I can just look up...
And know the stars are holding you... tonight..."

When Waiting Starts to Get Painful (11.25.09)

... When the wait starts to get painful - that everytime you stare at a distance - you only see blank spaces stretching the entire horizon. When everytime you start to hope again, you end up facing a dead end. That wall infront of you starts to get bigger and bigger to the point that it consumes you.

...When the wait starts to get painful - that everytime you remember - you only end up shedding tears that you keep from the crowd staring. That everytime you try to forget - well... YOU CAN'T.

...When the wait starts to get painful - that you confuse pain to anger and that you can no longer differentiate one from the other.

...When the wait starts to get painful - that you only resort to failed attempts to recreate old memories.

And so I wait still --- to this date --- that with some Divine Intervention - I'd wake up from this dream and by the 24th of December, you'd come home like nothing happened.

11.23.09

10:35pm: Figure to check Kuya's Wall - found a message (image above)...

Christmas na kuya - I just bought you a gift this afternoon. Nadaan kasi ako sa Toys 'r Us. Remember ung Red na RC na binili mo a couple of years back? kaso nasira na ung gulong nun eh - I think ako ung nakasira --- anyways, I bought a replacement... I won't wrap it anymore ok?

11.12.09

And so today I learned how to count to three…

Memory1:

Still remember 3 months and 7 days ago – you told me we’d go to Bicol for the holidays? Yes you did… But probably you won’t remember. By the way – I’m Christina Barela, it’s already 23 years when you first saw me… I bet you didn’t like me back then. You hated me until I was in Grade School (I hated you back – you and Kuya Tano both). Remember, you, both, used to challenge me to a game of Chess with a wager that if I lose, you get one of my stuff. You’re in college – How could you challenge a grade schooler? Now that’s a fair game!

Memory2:

And then you went to PMA - that was 1999. No Kuyas for a year. The next thing I remember, you’re standing right next to your bunk. Actually I was not sure if you’re the guy I was staring at initially. There were four guys standing in that room. You all look the same. You told me to get “POPO” (I think that’s his name) in your dresser. And I stepped out of the room. I couldn’t bear looking at you - not with that face. You were worn out.

Memory3:

Remember a couple of years back. We were driving along NLEX. I pointed to a billboard of Simon Atkins. Told you he’s one of the Green Archers. You asked me what are the perks of being an athlete at school. I told you a lot! I bet you missed playing Soccer - Don’t you? I bet you were thinking of a different life. You could have been a spoiled athlete at school kuya rather than a beat up combatant in the field. But you’ve always been a fighter. Never started a thing you couldn’t finish. That’s why I look up to you – before only figuratively, but now.... (sigh)

By the way, I couldn’t sleep up until 5am this morning. I dozed off for a couple of minutes, I think. And when I opened my eyes, there was this sheet fading at my bedroom’s ceiling… Then I dozed back to sleep… Around that time, right? Yeah... around that time…

And so today – the 12th of November, I learned how to count to three…

11.11.09

A journal and a pen beside my bed – they have a purpose. A thought or two every now and then would wound up in one of those pages. Sometimes, they would make sense, Most of the time they are just scribbles to fill up blank spaces… Lately, they are letters for you… Words I never got to say… Mostly requests and apologies…

Last night, I dreamt of you. I think we are supposed to go to Divisoria but ended up in a “Shopping Mall on wheels” – weird huh? I was happy to see you again --- And then I woke up… I tried to recall the dream – but all I got is the “Shopping Mall on wheels”…

Back to reality – pain hit me really hard. It’s like hitting me on the head reminding me that --- yeah – You’re gone - You are. They keep telling me you’re in a better place. But you’re probably a different person now. No memories of the past. No nothing.

And so back to my theory – “Pain - It never really fades away... You just get used to it...It does not make you stronger... It only makes you insensitive...”

It’s almost Christmas Kuya… Remember every 24th – bibigyan lang tayo ng list ni tatay ng mga bibilhin – then we’re off to SM to buy items in the list? You would have that sling bag of yours where you keep your 45 just to prove a point that mall securities would not know whether you’re carrying a firearm or not… What will happen to Christmas Kuya?